low budget love advice

Menace Says: This qualifies as a love advice question if you really do love bikes, so here’s my answer: While I agree that it’s sad and irresponsible for a bike owner to leave his or her hardware sitting outside for days, secured by what appears to be the shittiest of shitty locks, this is still firmly their problem, not yours. I understand the urge to nurture this bike by ‘rescuing’ or ‘liberating’ it from what you consider to be unacceptable treatment, but that’s not your call to make after such a short time. I would never leave any of my bikes locked (even securely) out in the open for days on end like that, and I think the same is true for pretty much everyone I know, but just because we’re sensible doesn’t mean everyone is, and again - that’s not your problem. You already went above and beyond your expected contribution by providing the owner with coverage for their failed lock and an avenue of communication ensuring that, despite his or her foolish actions, the bike had a fighting chance of not being ripped off or destroyed. But even after five days, these summertime elements aren’t really all that rough on a bike. It can certainly survive being outside for a week at a time in conditions like this. By rights, you’re not allowed at any time to claim that bike as your own, because it hasn’t been explicitly released from the ownership of its previous owner. Irresponsible as s/he may be, that’s still their bike. And since it’s not actually alive or capable of feeling pain, you probably won’t be seeing any sadness-engineered ads featuring washed up female ‘soft-rock’ (what the fuck is that, anyway??) artists imploring you to sign up to donate just pennies a day to an organisation ostensibly responsible for looking out for and rescuing these helpless victims of abuse. Remember, it’s just a bike, and specifically, it’s not your bike. I’d punch a nun in the face for messing with -my- bike, and that’s completely acceptable - but that contract doesn’t extend to bikes that aren’t yours, regardless of how bad you feel for it. My advice: channel those feelings back toward your own bikes, and love them that much harder. Leave making stupid mistakes to other people with other bikes.

Menace Says: I understand your frustration, and the first thing I want to do is implore you not to abandon your policy of not being a total pain in the ass. That would be a loss for everyone involved. Independence in a woman absolutely does not have to be a romantically fatal liability. Quite often I tell our readers that the problem most likely lies with them and not necessarily with their (potential/hypothetical/past) partner(s), but in this case I think that you’re doing things correctly on your end, while having the misfortune of being involved with shitheads. This is a common problem, to be sure, but it’s important that you don’t misinterpret the results and take that as a signal that you should cash in some of your vitality and independence in order to get a guy who can’t hang with a woman who possesses those qualities to stick around past his expiration date. It’s absolutely not worth it. Put simply, you don’t want to be with a dude who can’t stand to stick around once real feelings enter into the picture. Unfortunately there a -lot- of that type of dude around. Boys are afraid of commitment because they have a serious fear of short-circuiting the possibility of grabbing something better if/when it comes along. Boys are always looking to the future, but the future they’re looking to is very largely hypothetical. Hypothetically, there’s going to be a girl who is hotter/younger/more whatever than you are around the corner, and the guy is quite afraid of binding himself to something which may make it impossible for him to chase that when it comes ‘round. The problem with this view is, of course, that there’s no guarantee or even statistical probability that something better and chase-worthy than what he has now is going to appear - ever. And if it did, what makes a guy think that he will win the chase and actually bag this new meat? This is one of the reasons guys are stupid. The cure for this is maturity, but you can’t force a dude to be mature. That has to happen from within him, so you can just forget about it if the dudes you’re hanging around with don’t have it. None of this is your problem, until you make it your problem by investing your time, talents, and emotions in one of these guys. If you are definitely looking for a long-term relationship (and it seems you are), then you have to be aware that a lot of guys (but not all of them) are -not- looking for that, and adjust your expectations accordingly. I’m not saying you should tell him straight away 10 minutes after meeting him that you’re in this for the long term, and that if he isn’t, he can take a hike right now. If you do that, the chances are excellent that he will run far and fast before you can even finish the sentence. Sometimes dudes who aren’t looking for anything long term end up in something long term because they have the minimal amount of maturity it takes not to short-circuit it once it reaches a certain level, and because they grow into the relationship together with you. Successful long-term relationships don’t happen by contract. It’s never the case that two people meet, declare their intention to have a long-term thing, and then it just happens. Relationships start out tentative on both ends, and the two people either grow together and form a strong bond that lasts a long time, or their edges don’t quite fit and that bond never forms and the relationship doesn’t last long. Both of these situations are healthy and normal, so you just have to remember that when you’re searching for something long-term, you have to be patient and see how it ‘cures’ as it moves along. If a guy drops out once things start getting heavy, then he’s not the fit you need and there’s no reason to get frustrated about it.

So, in conclusion, you can have your cake and eat it too, but the caveat is that it’s not entirely up to you. Your mister has to be singing the same tune, in the same key. Finding that is easier said than done, obviously, and that’s the entire basis for the social life of every member of society. Stay patient, and keep your attitude intact. It’s not you, it’s them.

P.S. Please accept my apology for the delay in responding to this question. It’s been a busy spring.

Menace Says: Ha! This is just too funny to me. Judging by the last sentence in your question, you don’t know him too well at this point. That could make it an uphill battle for you. The best possible advice I can give is the following: “A Firestorm to Purify.” Google it if you have to.

Zach says: Alright, so here are the pros I’ve come up with so far: Save money, and… umm.. there’ll be a lot more precursor evidence laying around for when she’s on her period.
Here are the cons: that “me” time you take for granted will have to be spent out of the house, which is going to eat up all that money you’re saving. Want a drink? Go to the bar. Watch a movie? Go to the theater. Hang out with friends? Hopefully they’re smarter than you and don’t need to ask permission to have you over. More cons: Do you really want to tell your sweetheart that she forgot to flush again? Also, instead of just calling you up sobbing about whatever it is she’s upset about (when you can hang up on her), she’s going to corner you when you’re coming home from work. I hope you like your tomato soup salty, buddy. Or she’ll do something like start vacuuming or loudly doing the dishes for once, but at 4 in the godd-am-n. Why did you even start dating this monster?

Here’s an alternative. Show her how much of a man you are by scoring your own sweet studio apartment; because if you have reservations on moving in now, the list is only going to get longer. I doubt this girl is actually “the one”, so if you want to keep her around, hold on to your independence. Moving in is the milestone directly before breaking up.

If she just wants to move in together to step up your commitment level, either start asking how big a family she was planning on having (that’ll give her some perspective) or assign a date night that you two can spend together. This will keep her focused on looking forward to what fun you guys can have together on Tuesday nights and not just thinking that you need to spend more “quality” time together by moving in. Which is really just “quantity” time. Did I just coin that?

Menace Says: I recognise this as a classic question “from the vault” - and by that I mean from that old website we used to be on that no longer exists. And I remember writing something exceedingly clever and witty (and helpful, I’m sure) in response, but that has apparently evaporated into the ether. That’s sad, because I’m unlikely to be able to reproduce that gem in my second attempt at answering this question. Furthermore, this question is years old, and I’m sure this situation has run its course. So, here’s something that might be fun: I’m going to invert the process, and ask the asker to tell me how that whole situation shook out. S.A., are you out there? How did it go? Are you married to this lady now, or did your relationship crash and burn in a horrific inferno of pathetic late-night text messages of regret and sadness? I’m dying to know! Also, what did I say in response to this question the first time? I’m exactly as interested in that as I am in how your crappy life is going. Thanks!

Zach says: I fully enjoy the fact that you rate yourself using the Richter scale. Part of me thinks, “She’s using a destructive occurrence in nature to describe her self-imagined potential as a babe. How cool is that?” Then another part of me thinks, “Wait, what?! Earthquakes are cool now? What an insensitive asshole considering what happened on 3/11”. Then the first part replies, “Yeah well maybe she’s Japanese and has an amazing sense of humor”.

On to your question: Excellent question. Actually this is a little too good of a question. I’m going to have to play a card I try to hold in reserve, let’s call it a 3 of clubs, and have to act like a know-it-all and make some assumptions. So if you read the rest of this and think, “wow this guys kind of pulling all this shit out of his ass”, then you are absolutely right. But you see, I don’t believe this question has any rational answer, so there must be an irrational solution. (Oh god am I sounding like Adam?)

Let’s break it down:
1) You catch a guy’s attentions. This cannot be the problem. You want relations, you need a manguy to do that. Having the initiative to send out some seismic waves his way let’s him know you’re interested.
2) He flirts, as dudebros are known to do, but you admit that small talk isn’t your strong suit. Not necessarily the problem, but you don’t need verbal thrusts to shake his love foundations. If you’re not very good at slipping innuendo into conversation, just use ordinary answers and ask common questions; but use your other assets. “Do you want to split an appetizer?” is barely going to freak the wildlife out, but *while maintaining eye contact, lower eyelids a tad to make eyes look predatory and smile slightly* “Do you want to split an appetizer?” *raise eyebrows for a second*, will send out some seismic waves that will make mother Gaia blush. Instead of simply answering some mundane question about the weather with “I think it’s supposed to rain later”, say “I think it’s supposed to rain… later” but where the …. is you can glance at his mouth while biting your lip.
3) You ask him out on a date on some future Saturday. If  there is fault (get it?! like a fault line! Puuuns) in your approach, this one seems the most likely. Not because you’re asking him out, unless these guys aren’t comfortable in their manliness. Asking someone out on a date is like taking out the trash. Someone’s got to do it. It can be a little embarrassing, and if the lady volunteers for the job, then swell. I think the problem might be that after introductions and flirting you’re taking away the spontaneity of the situation. You’re actually ending the encounter too. If you’re at work and need to get back to it after steps 1-2, then ask if he wants to get a drink later that day. If you’re on the bus and chatting with some man-candy, get off the bus with him then and go to a bar. Once you start letting his plutonium rod start to heat up, you want to make sure he reaches meltdown in a prompt manner. I’m not saying to bring him home and blow his reactor core sky-high in the same day. In fact, if you want any kind of lasting relationship avoid sleeping with him on the first date at all costs. But there’s a unique excitement to meeting and interacting with someone for the first time that you want to keep fueled until you’ve got a sizable blaze going.
4) I wanted to say something about Geiger counters too but I’m too tired. Maybe I’ll edit this when it’s not 1 in the goddam

Zach says: We need more questions. Maybe this is a sign that we’re being too helpful: It seems we’ve solved all of our followers’ problems.

Zach says: I dunno, 3? Why don’t all three choices add up to the same number, and how is this better than my usual style of answer?

Menace Says: I’m confused. Are you trying to pick a lady out of the three named choices? Are you trying to decide on an outfit which will cause you to appear as one of these three given prototypes? Regardless, all I have to say is I’m very picky and if either b or b’ is as low as a 2, I’m going to pass. Even if the other component being a 10 is a very tempting proposition. How is it possible that the same component can be as low as 2 or as high as 10 with only a simple outfit change? It seems to me that if something is capable of being a 10, you’d have to really butcher the shit out of it to drop it all the way down to a 2. I would advise - as a professional - strongly against that. Both being 5s is also too low for my particular tastes. So I’m going to have to go with choice 4. Go to the gym.

Adam says: Pickle,

You are fucking crazy. My advice to you is to get pregnant for real, by him or someone else, it doesn’t matter (if you don’t want to be too obvious about it, choose a father with approximately the same skin tone), and then enjoy the rest of your ruined life with your trapped, unwilling baby-daddy and your unfortunate tool-sprog whose entire existence is a horrible mistake, hatched for the purpose of simultaneously ruining three lives, his own included. The poor fucker never had a chance, and you sound like exactly the type of person who would inflict that on someone. On second thought, don’t do any of that. Instead, put on a rubber glove, dip it in bleach, reach up into your vagina and try as hard as you can to punch yourself in the face from the inside. Or let me do it, your choice.


Zach says: Let’s see: You could fake an abortion saying it was going to be the anti-christ (“aren’t you glad I saved the planet?”). You could tell him you’re working on a super extra special baby just for him, and that it’s going to take a bit longer than the standard 9 months… Or… how about you got kidnapped last month by space dinosaurs and this goddamn pterodactyl impregnated you, only to snatch away the foetus yesterday without leaving a scar (it used a teleportation ray gun). You had repressed the memory because of how traumatic the situation was and only now did you recall all the details. Tell him you were really touched at how much he wanted to start a family with you and that maybe your relationship’s highway will lead to that city where that freaking pterodactyl dropped you off. And once you’re there you’ll be past the road marker of lying to your man in order to keep him interested in you. A long and twisty road indeed; and where do those damn space dinosaurs get off, anyway?!

Menace says: Who the fuck is Roissey?

Zach says: I’m going to assume Roissey is part of our love advice competition, and no, we’ve learned the craft of advice dispensing the best way possible: Hands-on field work and analysis. If this Roissey playa has (somehow) similar ideas to our own, he’s surely birging from us, rather than us aping his ideas. Booya